Building Self-Worth

Do you often feel like something’s “wrong” with you?

Let me guess…

People-pleasing is your default.

You avoid conflict and prioritize pleasing others over doing what feels right for you. You have a hard time saying “no.” Because you’re so eager to make others happy, you say “Of course!” before it even occurs to you that you could say “I can’t right now” or “That doesn’t work for me.” You might find yourself frequently saying something like, “It’s no trouble at all, really!”

You feel responsible for other people’s experiences.

You work overtime to anticipate the emotions of others. You take responsibility for whether other people are having a good time – so much so that you sometimes forget to enjoy yourself. You do everything in your power to ensure that people aren’t disappointed or upset with you.

When a potential conflict arises, you avoid it.

Even though it’s painful, you silence yourself and push your emotions down. You rarely get angry at people; instead, you blame yourself or justify someone’s bad behavior. When you do get angry, you feel guilty afterward. You might even feel like you’re not “allowed” to be upset with other people.

You talk down to yourself.

“I can’t do anything right.”
“I should be better than this.”
“I’m so stupid.”
“No one wants my opinion.”
“It’s too late for me.”

None of these statements are true, yet they are so ingrained that they feel more like facts than beliefs. Talking down to yourself and beating yourself up feels like second nature to you – you hardly even notice it anymore. This kind of critical language makes it hard to feel good about yourself. It also makes you feel stressed and helpless.

Low self-worth holds you back in every area of life.

Low self-worth leads to a lot of negative feelings. Persistent self-criticism can lead to sadness, anxiety, anger, shame, and guilt. When you have low self-worth, any negative event causes you to doubt yourself. You always fear being judged. You feel self-conscious and stressed around others and constantly look for signs that people don’t like you.

In relationships, you may tolerate mistreatment from partners because you believe that you are not lovable. You find it hard to practice good self-care. Maybe you drink too much to numb the feelings or overeat for comfort.

Low self-worth may stop you from even trying for things you want. You don’t ask for that promotion or even think about talking to that cute new colleague. Or sometimes low self-worth shows up as perfectionism – you push yourself and become an overachiever in an attempt to prove yourself.

To change how you feel, you have to change how you think.

Let’s shift your internal narrative to one that is kinder and more balanced. Because when you change your words, you change the way you see the world.

Your current stories were formed based on your experiences with your family and peers since childhood, so you have a lot of practice with how you’ve been doing it. It takes time to get accustomed to a new way of relating to yourself.

You may be used to saying to yourself things like, “I can’t get in shape” or “I’ll never find a partner.” Statements like these tend to become self-fulfilling prophecies.

So, to change your narrative, you’ll become an expert in catching the unkind and inaccurate things you’ve been unconsciously telling yourself for years. Then you’ll replace those old disempowering messages with healthier ones.

While it may seem silly at first, you’ll replace “I can never seem to get in shape” with “Today is the third day I’ve been to the gym this week, and I’m feeling proud of myself.” Over time, these new thoughts will become more habitual, and you’ll find it easier to make lasting changes, feel better, and achieve breakthrough results.

Here’s how I can help…

We’ll examine how you came to give so much mental real estate to your harsh inner critic.

We’ll explore your past and identify when you started being so hard on yourself. We’ll look at who else in your life spoke to you unkindly or in a way that felt belittling. Maybe you felt you could never meet your father’s expectations. Or your mom didn’t take your dreams seriously. Or your sister rolled her eyes every time you spoke. No matter where you learned it, the negative self-talk seeped in and became your norm.

We will figure out what’s preventing you from taking care of yourself.

We’ll look at your beliefs about what you deserve. People often struggle with the basics – moving your body, eating nourishing food, getting enough sleep. All of these relate to how you feel about yourself. We’ll identify what beliefs you’re holding onto that stop you from doing the things that would help you feel your best.

We will explore your fears and help you break free from beliefs that limit your success and happiness.

Your fears and negative self-perceptions hold you back from achieving what you are capable of. Maybe you think you’re not experienced enough or too old for a job. Whatever it is, these beliefs about yourself and how the world works are rooted in past experiences, comments by others, beliefs of family and friends, and messages from the media. Thoughts like these keep you from believing in yourself and going after what you want.

You will learn to accept yourself while changing behaviors that aren’t serving you.

Accepting yourself may sound cliche, but it’s really one of the most important aspects of learning to feel good in your life. By finally knowing that who you are at your core is not only good enough but actually your biggest strength, you will be able to make changes more easily.

You’ll learn to be gentle with yourself and talk to yourself the way you would to a dear friend.

Think about what you would say if a close friend came to you and said, “I’m such an idiot! I can’t do anything right.” You’d likely disagree and immediately reassure her that she is being way too hard on herself. You’d be able to see why those statements aren’t true.

The goal is to learn how to give that same kindness to yourself. You’ll be able to see how that automatic negative self-talk isn’t the truth and isn’t serving you. You’ll come up with new ways of speaking to yourself that are both gentle and fair.